just for ashenfallen crest? xoxo

Artist:	Jason Mraz
Album:	We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things
Title:	Lucky

(feat. Colbie Caillat)

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

tHe nEw bOoK - cHapTeR 1/09

it has been awhile since i was in a real 'official' relationship. my last one last december was a total heartache that's just not worth my time. hahahaha... sorry to say.. he was a waste of my precious time in the end. didn't expect certain people to be such 'butt'heads. owh well... that's how people are.. in THAT era. anyways... i've moved on. better life up ahead..

anyways... i'm starting my new BOOK. not just a new chapter but a WHOLE NEW BOOK! which i intend to continue writing til my last breath. (chewah)

introducing my boo... ahahahahha... (siap aku mun nya baca tok)....
an old friend... in a way that is.. hahahaha.... gawd... so long ago... ahahahhaha.... trying to trick me online but i can smell a RAT. LoL.. silly teases became emotionally attached... la di dadi da... n next thing i knew... i said yes to him... i'd be his girl... ONLY if i can still bully him. (am i mean or what?)

i really should give love another try. i mean... life's not worth living without love... right? :D

i guess... this one particular monkey of a guy will be the one who can KEEP ME GOING STRAIGHT towards my goals. after all the detours i've gone through.. it was fun.. back then.. but now..... i guess i gotta be serious about life. I"M GETTING OLDER crying out loud.



anyways... just wanna say thank you to my Astley... for taking me for who i am... who i was... and who i will be... (scary eh)....

my carelessness

i try to turn away from your warmth
but i stumble and i fall
so careless i've become
as i try to avoid your eyes

i dont mean to say those nasty things
i never meant to hurt you
i meant to tell you how i feel
but all i did was hurt u more

i dont want you to see the tears
running down my cheeks
but all i yearn for
is a warm hug from you

i dont know what to say anymore
for everything comes out wrong
i get up but i keep falling
i'm so careless, nothing's helping

I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
but when i reach out for your hand
i fall and woken from my dream

each night I lie awake
thinking maybe you love me
like I've always loved you
like u used to love me before

i thought i have someone there
yet feel so alone
aren't you supposed to be
the one to wipe my tears

i try to treat you right
but each caress i give
it scars your beautiful face
giving u nothing but pain it seems

so careless am i
not knowing what i say is wrong
i just cant help it
when you treat me cold

i want to love you
but you shut the door tight
you tell me it's alright
but all we do is fight

so many scars on me
after stumbling and falling
all i want is you to be
the one who kisses this pain away

i'm so careless when i'm losing you
i stumble and i fall
my stutter with my own words
everything goes wrong

my blue brown eyed love

when i look into your blue brown eyes
i remember the love we use to had
sweet honesty not even lies
u are the best i ever had

our times were sweet
filled with laughter and smiles
although we were apart
you were far away, many miles

but then everything changed
nothing was the way it was before
i felt i was like being hanged
altho it was love that i ask for

you left me all alone
i had no where to go
you were getting colder
feelings, unsure which to show

i waited for your return
you came back but only leaving again
it's not that i didnt learn
you were just getting too faint

altho u left me again
i tried to hard to not miss you
i tried to hard to not want you
i even thought i could love again

everything fell apart
you have someone new
nothing matters, not my heart
for i juz cant stop loving you

its easy to lie when you're far away
for they are just words nothing much to say
but when u held my hand again
those lies that lived, were slain

when u touched me, stroking my hair,
i felt that same warmth that i missed
in my eyes i see that warm embraced u used to give
that warm kiss u once put on my lips

i try to snap myself out
but i fell deeper into your eyes
those eyes, which looked at me with love
a feeling that felt so nice

you made me feel alive again
making me feel love once more
but, was it pleasure or was it pain
it was both, yet still i wanted more

Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Artist: Soulja Boy
Album: Isouljaboytellem
Title: Kiss Me Thru the Phone

(feat. Sammie)

[Ad-Lib]
(Soulja Boy Tell Em)

[Chorus: Sammie]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
I'll see you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home

[Verse: Soulja Boy]
Baby, I know that you like me
You my future wifey
SouljaBoyTellEm yeah you could be my bonnie
I could be your clyde
You could be my wife
Text me, call me, I need you in my life yeah
All that, everyday I need ya
And everytime I see ya my feelings get deeper
I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't

[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212

[Chorus: Sammie]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home

[Verse: Soulja Boy]
Baby, I been thinking lately
So much about you
Everything about you, I like it, I love it
Kissing you in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talking on the phone
Baby you so sexy your voice is so lovely
I love your complexion
I miss ya, I miss ya, I miss ya
I really wanna kiss you but I can't

[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212

[Chorus: Sammie]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home

[Bridge: Soulja Boy]
She call my phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We on the phone like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
We taking pics like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)
She dial my number like
(da da dadadada da da dadadada da da..)

[Sammie]
Six seven eight triple nine eight two one two
(678) 999-8212

[Chorus: Sammie]
Baby you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight but I cannot babygirl
And that's the issue
Girl you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you later on..
Kiss me thru the phone
(kiss me thru the phone)
See you when I get home


*i wish one day, i would finally have someone who feels like this and dedicate this song to me*

me vs love

i fell in love
to whom i shouldn't
i can't resist
all the touch, the sweet words
it hurts me bad
knowing what i know
that all i ever am
is nothing but just another
i am no one
not even a special someone
no one important at all
yet, you, mean the world to me
i just can't help it
i can't erase you from my life
because i do not want to
after all we've been through
how can you not feel what i feel
it is so true
that i am one
who loves a person unconditionally
even though i am hurt the most
all that matters now
is you, living in bliss happily.

WHY? (2003)

why do i fear
that i'll fall in love with you?
how did you know
that this is what i felt for you?

you know me so well
even when i don't
how can you know me that well
when i don't even know myself?

being with you is like feeling eternity
why do i feel this way?
why do i feel so happy?
why do you feel the same?

why do i feel so secure
when you hug me?
why do you lock your arms
from behind me like you'll never let me go?
why do you hold my hands?
why do i like all these?

i guess it is true
i'm falling even more in love with you
and i'm losing my grip
from the abstinence that i've been holding on to

finally~ (2003)

why am i so angry?
why am i upset?
the fact that i already know
that he and i are over and done

i thought we had a bond
but i was so very wrong
why was i so blind?
why didn't i have a sense?

what i'm feeling is stupid
no doubt that it's dumb
i have to get over it
it has happened and it's done

the news didn't surprise me
but it gave me a shock
for all this time that i've spent
to make believe it's as solid as a rock

it finally happened
i've finally lost you
i knew this was coming
one way or another
it was sure to happen

the plea (2001)

i'm missing the point
for having people who cares
but do they really do?
this is a question that has been ringing in my mind

as Shakespeare has said
the life we live in is like a stage
and we are the actors
life is just a play
and we are just fools who acts in it

i'm not going to show my weakness
gonna smile and tell the world i'm fine
i'm gonna keep to my senses
but deep inside where no one can hear me
bloody tears i shed from within my heart

i have no one to run to
no shoulder to cry on
no one to comfort me
no one to cry with me

no one understand me
always misunderstood me
the ones that are with me
are only there to laugh with me

can this be a call for rescue
of a lost silent soul
or just a plea for tender love and care
from a girl, a simple girl

start over

now i know
i can't possibly get you back
for you're looking for someone new
now it's the brand new you

you thought i was just playing around
i thought that you were fooling about
but the facts were that we were both serious
now there's distance between us

you said you'll never let go
not even until forever
now it is not the time
for we have just begun

i can see that you've changed
to be a better person than before
and i love you for who you are
for you are the only one for me

no one else can take your place
for you are different than the rest
cause you love me too nevertheless
and i love you too, now and always

please forgive me
i didn't know what i was doing
i wish i could turn back the time

and make things right, just for once

thinking bout this over and over
i guess it's just my fault
i wonder if we could start all over
we learned the lesson we've been taught

he, me (2002)

what sort of boy is this?
what sort of girl am i?
what should i do with him?
what should he say to me?

he fights with me
i irritate him
he troubles me
he makes me upset

he is crazy
and i am insane
but he's what i've got
and a bestfriend i am

why does he play these pranks
help me ask him why
sometimes he fights with me
sometimes he quarrels with me

i should stay away from him
but my heart is lock with his

he troubles me
but only from a distance
only i understand what i say
no one can figure that out

i'm like this
and i'm like that
even he can't figure me out

he teases me when he comes by
he doesn't listen i don't know why
he is crazy i should beware of him
weird and yet i'm all over him

the garden

shadows of two under the moonlight
strolling into the gray and dark garden
where the dead and deceased rests
with tombstones of marble and rundown tiles

a flat slab of R.I.P ANDREW FALL
her dress ripped as she fell onto it
panting, heavy breathing after the long stroll
to the final destination where all would be fulfilled

serenades from the crows watching from the trees
the touch of the ice cold breeze
staring into his eyes as he came onto her
hearing the sound of cloth tearing apart

nothing seems to matter
the garden belongs to them
this night is the night when the dark meets the light
insatiable.. irresistable... devourable..

as he moves into her
owls started hooting to their rhythm
the sound of moans and panting
are the music of their sanctuary of love

her bare chest for him to devour
her womanhood for him to take
his naked flesh is hers to taste
his life-giving white blood for her

smothering him into her breasts
as he motioned himself back and forth
the rapturing fluid flows
the warmth and enticing clear blood

squaking from the crows
dark hoots from the owls
nothing peeved them
from the heaven that they were in

she left on him a bite
like a vampire craving for blood
he left in her his life-giving blood
tantalizing, intoxicating, seducing

like wolves hungry for meat
devouring each other's lust
like the smell of blood for sharks
so is their white blood, so alluring

the eye of heaven came peeping
it's time to go, and leave this garden
panting,all weary and worn out
yet alleviating, satisfying

a time for abstinence
till the next encounter
back in this garden of death
but, life giving pleasure

Would u?

would u

would u wipe my tears dry if i cried?

would u hold me tight when i’m afraid?

would u hold my hand so i’ll not get lost?

would u do all that for me?

would u look for me when i disappear?

would u search the world for me?

would u hunt for me if i am lost?

would u do all that for me?

would u kiss my head n tell me it’s all ok?

would u hold me close everyday?

would u smile each time i wake next to u?

would u do all this for me?

would u forgive me if i did u wrong?

would u love me even when everything is gone?

would u try to fix what had gone wrong?

would u do all this for me?

would u be there for me when i am down?

would u carry me home when i am weak?

would u tuck me in to sleep each night?

would u do all that for me?

would u love me just like u did before?

would u hug me tight like u wont let go?

would u be there waiting at the door?

would u do all that for me?

i would do all that for u

i would wait for u at the door

i would smile at u each time u woke

i would stay awake just to watch u sleep

i would kiss u goodnight everyday

i would wipe ur tears each time they fall

but

would you give me a chance to do all that?

and everything i ask if u would?

The Used To Be

the USED to BE

ur used to be, that’s me,
I was urs, not anymore
It’s plain to see I’m not urs now
For I’ve become your used to be

Everytime you kiss me it tastes just like goodbye
And I cant tell that my best friends the reason why
When were out together you say there’s nothing wrong
But when we’re apart, everything just goes all wrong

you used to call me each night before bed

calling me when i go awol from the hp

u used to look for me when i dont reply

and ask if i’m ok and fine

you used to msg me sweet words of love

telling me that u miss me every now n then

but those were all the thing

that you used to do

ever since ur return, after completing college

you changed and turned colder

you dont call anymore

you dont msg me the same way anymore

everything i do and say seems all wrong to you

nothing seems right when we’re apart

but when we’re together hand in hand

the whole world seems so perfectly ours

everything seems fine

each kiss we had truly felt so painful

a mixture of love, pain and goodbyes

everytime we hug i feel like crying

coz i’ll never know if it’ll be the last

you try to pretend like everything is fine

but it never is, ever since that day

the day you buried my love six feet under

the day u pledge, no 2nd chances

i used to be your priority

i used to be then sunlight in your eyes

i used to be the one uttering u sweet goodnites

i used to be the one holding u tight

well i’m your used to be

u buried me, buried my love

with an oath never to resurrect me

yet i wait patiently for u

with hopes of a change of heart

a promise and oath i give to you

although it seems to be the end between us

as long as the RING is on my finger

shall i wait for ur return to dig me up

i know for sure the time is not now

for u have other things in mind

be assured ur in my prayers

everyday and everynight

it’s time for me to let go what i should have

instead of having high hopes n getting broken dreams

i’m moving one now, and so have you

perhaps a brighter future, only God knows how

i have loved you unconditionally

it’s not easy for me to let it go

but i have to, you didnt give me a choice

so now ur free to fly away into the sky

be happy for me, for someone has found me

waiting patiently for me to accept him into my life

all the while he stayed and comforted me

wiping my tears when u didnt

i hope u find what ur looking for

i hope you’ll finally find the closure that you’ve wanted

i’m sorry for all the pain i’ve put u through

no worries for there wont be anymore

for HaZe~~ 2008

glace back at haze

i’ve loved u once, i said i’ll do it again,

i did search for you, but then i had lost you

yes i was mumbling, was not who i am

and til now i still can’t find, the trueself of mine

you were a very fond memory of mine

someone i didnt want to let go or leave behind

i’ve loved u so much, but i pushed you too much

coz i fear of losing you, its painful, its hard

i tried to be strong, the only way that i knew

the mumbling u say, it my the shield that i use

i dont know how to change what was then

but i knoe now, but its useless in the end

its good to see that u r happier now

i could only smile and wish u the best

but i thank u so much for teaching me how

to live my life, to be me, is always the best

thanks h@ze for everything, never really got to thank u for it. u showered me with love, i knew was sincere. but my fear of losing u finally made me lose u. but ur off better with someone else, if kahwen, jangan lupa hantar khabar. thanks alot for the one year we had.

Jerebu di malam hari… juz for u

it has been more than a year now since i’ve known u. we had a year with each other too. what irony. n all this while, i’ve been hoping n praying that u were finally the one for me.

we started out as crazy irc couples. juz to buang boring la tek n spice up the channel. then i fell for u. n confessed. u did the same too. it was so sweet.

our 1st date, we went for movies. then u held my hand for the 1st time n i leaned on ur shoulders. that same day, we took our 1st pic together. i think it is the only pic of us together thus far.

the 2nd time we met, u came over to my place. n helped out in the kitchen. haha.. ANTI na ngan bawang. LoL. that night u gave me d 1st hug when i was doing the dishes. then we hung out in d room. n u held me tight. hehe.. tgh suk2 berpeluk, i kissed u. terkejut indah pok. hehe.. 1st kiss. IN MY ROOM GIK YA! nang terer la.. wanted to spend the nite together but… yala.. mami tgh meronda. next day.. ada org sik mamuh. isk isk isk… me masak mi maggy plak for u. puih.. untung na… then u went home.

3rd time we met, i kidnapped u from home. took u to town. hehe.. the rest is a story only u n i know. i remember tat day. u gave me a ring. which i’ve been wearing everyday, every hour every minute. never really left my finger. coz it’s the 1st time a guy has ever given me a ring. jiwang la tek. it was a sweet thought.

you left for kk. back to school. val day i sent u a parcel. n compiled a book wif our pics inside. felt very special altho u were far away.

but then, things started to change. u became cold. n kept ur distance. then i found out. u had someone else all along. how stupid of me. but i let u make up ur mind. i didnt wanna lose u. not even once.

when u had finished school. u came back. we met up once every 2-3 weeks. juz spending time with each other.

it’s funny.. we stayed as a couple.. till God knows when. even for my bday this year, i went all the way to bntl to spend time with you. wanted a special bday. n i did get to spend time with u. n i got an extra bonus, u came down to kch wif me. ur mom suroh. dah nasib eh. one whole nite in the bus cuddling. it was such a sweet moment. nothing can replace that. i felt so loved. n so wanted. n so adored. but it didnt last.

you started keeping your distant again. this time u were going further. sms per day dropped from 50sms to 5 sms. everything seem to go wrong. every single word. every gesture. etc.

then ur bday came up. i had everything carefully planned. n ordered. but some stuff were delayed. so i cud only give u the shirt that i bought. i went up to meet u but my car broke down. u did come by. but u were so eager to leave. i tried to hold ur hands but u didnt seem pleased. i tot i gud gif u a kiss n a hug but i cud see, u didnt want anything anymore. so i left for home.

then finally, i made up my mind. i’m giving him a chance. he has been there all these while telling me that you will come n look for me. pujuk me saying that you still love me. imagine tat, a guy telling me all these bout my bf. wow… nya gik tell me not to give up on you! but u didnt care at all anymore. i dont matter to u anymore. thats when i decided to give him a shot. he has been there for me.

funny, even when i gave him a chance, i was still holding onto the hopes of being wif u again. but i was stupid, u had already moved on. already have a gf. n me? hoping on false hope.

anyways, juz wanted to let u noe… i really did love u. n i havent let u go. its not easy. i juz wished things didnt turn out this way. but its fate. please take care. n be happy. GBU!

peeking at 2008 & 2007 (6.1.09)

peeking at 2008 & 2007

2007 i was 20. still very d stupid. hahahaha… lets see what happened in that year.

1st, i had a bf named Azaha. met him at ngui kee. colleagues. kinda a contract thing. i told him i was not interested. but he persuaded that it was juz for fun. we had a one month thingy. juz hugs n holding hands. not always anyways. hahaha.. altho we meet almost everyday at work, nothing really special. he was a player too so.. funny memory.

then i left fot twintech. while in twintech, i became closer to RM. not ringgit malaysia. RM was from another uni in selangor. we used to chat etc. one day we juz met up and hooked up. i guess i had a crush on him coz he was very sweet. biasalah, perempuan tok pantang dilayan bait. it was kinda slow. but we lasted for about.. 5 months? i think. we broke up coz he didnt want people to know that i was his gf and he left me alone with no directions. literally.

came back to kuching, i met Lobster. a guy who has been taunting me with sms ever since i was in klang. he was enggaged, on the edge of breaking up. i was juz a fren. after he ended his enggagement, he decided to woo me. chewah! ya, we went out, romantic couple. but it didnt last coz his ex fiancee kaco. then soon they got married. perampas betul. i pity him. living in misery.

then i met SJ late october. he was a student to from poli kk. bidayuh mix iban. or vice versa. haha.. sowie. he bought me a ring. tat fits perfectly into my finger. so sweet. 1st guy to give me a ring. hehe.. i really loved him n had dreams about future. but i guess i push him too hard that everything fell apart. we broke up about less than a year later. sayang benar eh. i regretted my stupidity but wat to do. time to move on. if we didnt break up, i would not have met my Panda.

2008 21 yrs old.

a guy keeps chasing me. even when i told him i had a bf(which was so not true). then this guy named RAY confessed that he had feelings for me. so cute. we hooked up 5th oct 08. 1st time we went out for a date bah. it was an almost perfect relationship til the incident with his parents. i’m still holding on. we made promisses. n i wish to hold on to my words. i juz hope he hold on to his. such a gentleman this panda of mine. he even bought a container of ice cream to share with me while watching tv at his house. sanggup. dah la vanilla gik ya. maka he likes choc flavor. LoL. he’s very sweet. he bought chocs (farrero rocher) for me for xmas. la.. i dont take those. hehe.. my fav are cadbury dream. all white choc. he didnt knoe tat. don wanna tell him. haha. i truly miss his hugs. his bear hugs. n his sweet smile n jelingan mun nya manas. so kiut. hm.. owh well.. God know’s what HE’s doing. hehe.. i’m juz keeping my hopes n faith alive.

that’s about it of 2007 and 2008. anyone i didnt mention? ahahahah.. my bad then. closing that book now. starting a new one.

songs that remind me of my past

songs that remind me of my past~

Blurry - JL (he liked this song. it was famous back then)

If You’re Not The One - NJ (this song was playing when we 1st love confession. jiwang na back then. my 1st. good and crazy memories)

Hotel California - CC (j3Rk. regret meeting a person like him. living on other people’s earning. such an a$s.)

Lips of an Angel - RM (his ex pun ringtone. sigh! and she would just happen to call everytime i’m with him. kebetulan na juak. owh well. that was 2 yrs ago)

Letto’s Songs - FS aka Lobster (it was in his mp4. that he gave me. but took back. apa punya orang!)

It’s Over, I’m Leaving - SJ (holding on too long. hehe. so many songs act. coz he sang some songs to/with me? haha.. i tortured him)

Fall for You & Ada Untukmu- S Ray (1st song is how things are, n i hope one day it’ll be like tat. 2nd song is how i feel for him. terbalik dah dunia.)

SHE~ (23.2.09)

She~~

she got up again
after stumbling down
like she always did
whenever she touched the ground

scars on her feet
scars on her knees
in the dreaded heat
all she wants is peace

her soul tormented
her flesh tortured
what has she got left
nothing but the bloody shirt

tears of pain rolling down her cheeks
in the rain where no one could see
blood oozing out washed by the rain
no proof of her suffering nor of the pain

nothing but scars
nothing heals in her life
broken and forsaken
that’s all she’s been through in her life

slipping as she walked along that slippery road
a road leading to where, she does not know
passers by just taking a look but stopping to help?
she could only wish, and hope that they would

yet all that is seen
is a wrench of a girl
nothing worth stopping for
nothing worth to save

no choice does she have
for she cannot choose
but to walk this road
in hopes for a place

a heaven for lost souls
a place for her
a paradise to heal
and wash away her pain

the drenching water stops pouring
the gold rays started shining
all soaked and wet, not disturbing
the sight of light, a new hope coming

rising up is her spirit
the though of being trampled over again
is no longer haunting
for there is light awaiting
at the end of the road calling

she is arising
arising to the light
nothing can ever stop her
nor will anything break her

the sight of the heaven’s eye
giving hope for the future
where her dreams will come true
no more pain, no more torture

she will…
be stronger…
and persevere…

her silent tears (1.3.09)

her silent tears

that night she saw

the pics of the current him

juz looking at it

makes her miss him more

what can she do

but tell him it’s lovely

through silent whispers

that he will never hear

tears start rolling down her cheeks

missing every bit of him

how she longs to be with him

and wish he would feel the same

no one can see those tears

no one understands her pain

she loves him way too much

and never can she let go

she juz wants him to know

that she loves him so

she wants him back into her life

she wants him, juz him…

Me & Valentine's Day

Artist:	Linkin Park
Album:	Minutes to Midnight
Title:	Valentine's Day

My insides all turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And now the darkness over day, that night

And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing
I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And now the darkness over day, that night

And the clouds above move closer
Looking so dissatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone, and I was wrong
I never knew what it was like, to be alone

On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection, but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(Cause my mind has lost direction, somehow)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(I used to be my own protection, but not now)
On a Valentine's Day, on a Valentine's Day
(Cause my mind has lost direction, somehow)

a song that makes me want him close

Tercipta Untukmu-Ungu
menatap indahnya senyuman diwajahmu
membuat ku terdiam dan terpaku
mengerti akan hadirnya cinta terindah
saat kau peluk mesra tubuhku

banyak kata
yang tak mampu kuungkapkan
kepada dirimu

Chorus:
aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu
sepanjang hidupku

aku ingin engkau slalu
hadir dan temani aku
disetiap langkah
yang meyakiniku
kau tercipta untukku
meski waktu akan mampu
memanggil seluruh ragaku
ku ingin kau tau
kuslalu milikmu
yang mencintaimu

*lyrics truly touched me. so sad!*

A Silent Cry for Help

this year 2009 i have hoped and pray that it will be much better than before. looking back at the past years, i try to figure out what mistakes i have made and where have i gone wrong. today, i look at myself and i asked myself, where did I go? that girl everyone used to know back in primary school, back in form 1, form 2 has disappeared. where did SHE go? who is this girl in the mirror?

well, people do change, through the years, gradually. but I seemed to disappear so fast. it's like a switch which you can switch on n switch off. did i just realize my disappearance? NO. i've known it for a long time, but i refused to LOOK for ME. where did mommy's girl go? where did that girl who used to kneel down by the bed each night to pray go? where did that jolly always smiling girl go? even i can't remember where i buried her.

all these years, i've gained friends, i've lost some dear friends too. i used to have abundance of friends who would look out for me but now, they're all gone. i've lost touch, i've lost contact. my fault, i admit. i've been so busy trying to be who i am not, that i lose everything i care about.

i try so hard to please everyone that i lost myself. i please people so much that i can't remember who i am anymore. i can't remember my part and role in life any longer. i try to be the perfect friend, the perfect girl, the perfect child. but nothing is ever perfect, and i know that. i push myself to the limit that no one would know. i try my best yet i'm still the one crying myself to sleep each night. not many of my dear friends knew that.

few years back, i remembered a dear sister of mine writing me a poem, asking me why i show laughter on my face yet there were sadness in my eyes. i can never show sadness in my face. and it was funny that she could see it in my eyes. things that i try to hide. i wish i could tell someone and let everything out.

i try my best to understand everyone. and it works. i learn to live with boys and girls. i learned to talk and mingle with them. i learn to adapt myself. i learn to be like a gecko. that changes colour to suit its surrounding. i adapt so much that i soon forgot my own true colours. i wanna run away from all this. i want to go somewhere just to cry my heart out. drown myself in the water to rid of all my tears. scream under a waterfall where no one could hear my voice.

i try so hard not to let anyone see a tear drop from my eyes. i try so hard to be strong yet i'm all broken up inside. what am i if not a walking zombie. who is already dead in soul and walking on earth empty and hallow?

i'm just waiting to be put down. just waiting for my turn to be 6 feet under. i've truly lost everyinch of my soul. i'm already losing the reasons to live on.

why is it wrong for me to want what others have? why can't i feel what other's feel? why do i only feel pain and sorrow thoughout this life? why don't i deserve a better life?

too soon to say, many would tell me. i'm still young, just 21. how can i possibly know what i truly want. how can i possibly feel all this pain that i say? no one knows how dying and dead my soul already is. perhaps not my christian soul but my heart that is dying. trampled and crushed over and over again. how dare you say, i know not what life is?

all i want is to be with the people i love. all i want is the freedom to be happy. yet all that is always taken away from me. i felt happiness when i was with Ray. he showered me with love and kindness no other guy has ever tried to do. yet now it all seems like it was all just a dream. a fairy tale that could never be true.

all the time my happiness is being stripped away from me just like that. why can't people just let us be happy? why can't he give a chance to feel that happiness? i still don't understand.

i'm losing myself already. i know not who i am anymore. who am i exactly? am i della? am i vie? am i nicole? am i calista? am i danny? who are those people that i just named? i don't know who they are but they are one.

i know many of my dearest friends would blame Ray. but please don't. he thinks he's doing what's best. he knows not what's right and wrong. but i understand him so please understand me. i love him so i hope you all understand that. please don't talk bad bout him, he has done nothing wrong.

now i realize, the closer i get to the people i love, the easier i lose them. that is why i like to keep my distance. i don't wanna lose him but i did. i never knew that being close would cost me my relationship. all this is making me feel like not wanting ti live anymore. what's the point of living when there's no one there waiting for me to kiss them goodnight anymore? my life lost it's meaning the moment he said sorry. i may never get him back. he may never want me back. i just wish that he knew that he is truly the world for me. but i guess, it won't change anything.

many things i have kept hidden deep inside that it's consuming me. i want to let him know everything but no one ever wants to listen.

this is my silent cry for help. what type of help? i myself don't know. God knows.