this year 2009 i have hoped and pray that it will be much better than before. looking back at the past years, i try to figure out what mistakes i have made and where have i gone wrong. today, i look at myself and i asked myself, where did I go? that girl everyone used to know back in primary school, back in form 1, form 2 has disappeared. where did SHE go? who is this girl in the mirror?
well, people do change, through the years, gradually. but I seemed to disappear so fast. it's like a switch which you can switch on n switch off. did i just realize my disappearance? NO. i've known it for a long time, but i refused to LOOK for ME. where did mommy's girl go? where did that girl who used to kneel down by the bed each night to pray go? where did that jolly always smiling girl go? even i can't remember where i buried her.
all these years, i've gained friends, i've lost some dear friends too. i used to have abundance of friends who would look out for me but now, they're all gone. i've lost touch, i've lost contact. my fault, i admit. i've been so busy trying to be who i am not, that i lose everything i care about.
i try so hard to please everyone that i lost myself. i please people so much that i can't remember who i am anymore. i can't remember my part and role in life any longer. i try to be the perfect friend, the perfect girl, the perfect child. but nothing is ever perfect, and i know that. i push myself to the limit that no one would know. i try my best yet i'm still the one crying myself to sleep each night. not many of my dear friends knew that.
few years back, i remembered a dear sister of mine writing me a poem, asking me why i show laughter on my face yet there were sadness in my eyes. i can never show sadness in my face. and it was funny that she could see it in my eyes. things that i try to hide. i wish i could tell someone and let everything out.
i try my best to understand everyone. and it works. i learn to live with boys and girls. i learned to talk and mingle with them. i learn to adapt myself. i learn to be like a gecko. that changes colour to suit its surrounding. i adapt so much that i soon forgot my own true colours. i wanna run away from all this. i want to go somewhere just to cry my heart out. drown myself in the water to rid of all my tears. scream under a waterfall where no one could hear my voice.
i try so hard not to let anyone see a tear drop from my eyes. i try so hard to be strong yet i'm all broken up inside. what am i if not a walking zombie. who is already dead in soul and walking on earth empty and hallow?
i'm just waiting to be put down. just waiting for my turn to be 6 feet under. i've truly lost everyinch of my soul. i'm already losing the reasons to live on.
why is it wrong for me to want what others have? why can't i feel what other's feel? why do i only feel pain and sorrow thoughout this life? why don't i deserve a better life?
too soon to say, many would tell me. i'm still young, just 21. how can i possibly know what i truly want. how can i possibly feel all this pain that i say? no one knows how dying and dead my soul already is. perhaps not my christian soul but my heart that is dying. trampled and crushed over and over again. how dare you say, i know not what life is?
all i want is to be with the people i love. all i want is the freedom to be happy. yet all that is always taken away from me. i felt happiness when i was with Ray. he showered me with love and kindness no other guy has ever tried to do. yet now it all seems like it was all just a dream. a fairy tale that could never be true.
all the time my happiness is being stripped away from me just like that. why can't people just let us be happy? why can't he give a chance to feel that happiness? i still don't understand.
i'm losing myself already. i know not who i am anymore. who am i exactly? am i della? am i vie? am i nicole? am i calista? am i danny? who are those people that i just named? i don't know who they are but they are one.
i know many of my dearest friends would blame Ray. but please don't. he thinks he's doing what's best. he knows not what's right and wrong. but i understand him so please understand me. i love him so i hope you all understand that. please don't talk bad bout him, he has done nothing wrong.
now i realize, the closer i get to the people i love, the easier i lose them. that is why i like to keep my distance. i don't wanna lose him but i did. i never knew that being close would cost me my relationship. all this is making me feel like not wanting ti live anymore. what's the point of living when there's no one there waiting for me to kiss them goodnight anymore? my life lost it's meaning the moment he said sorry. i may never get him back. he may never want me back. i just wish that he knew that he is truly the world for me. but i guess, it won't change anything.
many things i have kept hidden deep inside that it's consuming me. i want to let him know everything but no one ever wants to listen.
this is my silent cry for help. what type of help? i myself don't know. God knows.
